Corrie (again)

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.”

Albert Einstein

You’ve got to hand it to the Coronation Street scriptwriters. The show’s been going for 50 years and you’d think it would have exhausted every possible storyline. But no. Heroically, the writers continue to boldly go where suspension of disbelief has never gone before.

(Yes, I know that’s a split infinitive.)

So we have the husband-beater. “Go to the doctor,” says her husband. “No-one will know. That’s what doctors are for.” Um, no, Tyrone. Doctors are for making you better.

And Tracy, who locks old men in their bedrooms. “I’m not feeling very well, otherwise I would insult you.” Sound familiar? That’s because Regan uses that exact excuse in King Lear: “Lady, I am not well, else I would answer from a full-flowing stomach.” Shakespeare in Coronation Street: who would have thought it?

Ryan the druggie, who a) is not Ryan and b) steals money from his mother’s purse and thinks she won’t notice. “I’ll buy the drinks”, says he, to forestall her opening her purse. What was the point of stealing the money in the first place? These days, a couple of pints will cost you at least £6. If he’s given all the money to the drugs dealer, where’s he got £6 from?

I could go on. But I won’t. It’s amusing, but it’s not real life.

Coronation Street

“So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray,

go throw your TV set away,

and in its place you can install

a lovely bookcase on the wall.”

Roald Dahl

Yes. Yes, I am that bored that I have to write about Coronation Street. There is nothing on television. Fifty channels and nothing to watch except American sitcoms and English soaps. And there will be nothing on for the forseeable. Merlin and Doctor Who, I’m told, are returning in the “autumn”. Please, please let “autumn” mean September!

And I am currently reading The Gormenghast Trilogy. So there’ll be no book reviews for a while. (1000 pages, people!)

Therefore, we are stuck with “the street”. Coronation Street, where no one has a normal marriage and the people have screaming matches in the street and there are caring messages over the credits. “If you have been affected by Tyrone’s story…”

And have you noticed? No pregnancy is straightforward. Kirsty is bonkers, Katie had her baby in the middle of the nativity play and Hope was premature.

Oh, and the other day someone beat her husband up with a plastic hoover tube.

Now, I’m sorry, but a plastic hoover tube is simply too light to do any damage. Or even to hurt that much.

The other main story of the week is Ryan taking drugs. Ryan, that is, who is plainly not Ryan. My sister tells me that this is because real Ryan didn’t want to come back to the show. So they got someone else to play him. That’s just ridiculous. If he won’t come back, don’t write him back in. Getting someone else is annoying and unbelievable.

What am I saying? It’s all unbelievable.

I give up.